The Girl in the Mirror

I got a job.  I got a job.  I got a job. He he he he!

That is right everyone!  I just found out I got hired at an agency named White Horse in Portland.  I can’t wait to get to the office tomorrow to see what it will be like.  I mean, what do I wear.  Don’t worry I am just kidding on that.  I really am excited beyond belief.  I just have to work my butt off this month and make them realize that I will be the best thing that ever happened to them.  Once I get in that office they will not want me to leave.

So, thanks to everyone for the encouraging thoughts over the last few months.  It means a lot and if I get hired full time then I am so making a huge diner with lots of pie!

Happy Christmas Everyone!

allineeded:

(via cornerofthesky)

I do!

Of course you should.  We all love to see new work!

Here I am again with the depression of another no.  In my last post I talked about how companies and job searching can be like dating.  This is why it is considered ego-suicide.

I have now gotten to a place where companies feel the need to “just be friends.”  This means the company (which I will be using personal pronouns for) doesn’t want you at this time but would encourage you to reapply later.  They also give you the advice you need to make yourself just a little better.  I need this advice but at the same time it feels like a smack in the face.  ‘I am not dating you because you smell’ or something of the like.

But how do you get past being the marketer/pr person who can publicize and advertise everyone but yourself.  How do you build that personal brand?  I don’t want it to feel wrong.  I am going in so many directions who knows where I will end up.  I could compare building a brand to re-building your self-esteem or rebuilding your personality when you loose your significant other.

Like in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun we see the main character, Frances, go through a terrible divorce where she has to not only rebuild herself but rebuild a house she has bought in Tuscany.  It is a beautiful allegory if you are ever interested.

There is a particular part that I love. There is a facet that is randomly in the wall when you first enter the house.  It could easily be dismissed for something that was leftover from centuries of rebuilding.  Frances runs into this faucet the first time she enters the house.  It shows up later throughout the movie as the house is changing and Frances is changing.  At one point you begin to see water in it slowly.  Next it is dripping.  Yet again it is dripping into a bucket more steadily.  As Frances becomes happier.  Finally by the end of the film, one of the last scenes is the faucet flowing water full stream on the ground and flooding the floor.  That is when Frances is smiling and amazed.

Right now my faucet is just giving me a bruise on my arm.  I feel like my career is going nowhere.  And I know my brand will happen whether I intend it to or not.  But creating the base for it is the hard part.  I barely know who I am yet so how can I create a brand that incorporates who I am into it?

Then I am suppose to have a following?  I am not a celebrity.  I am a person and I don’t expect people to care what I am saying.  Sometimes I say what I say merely to say it.  To put it out into the void.  Because once the words are out of me I feel better and they have been put somewhere with my name on it.  If I want people to respond I send it with a request about their ideas.

In the movie I mentioned earlier Frances’ friend whose partner has left her after they agreed to have a baby and conceived the friend asks Frances, “How do you breath again?”  Of course Frances cracks a joke about labor breathing.  But it makes sense.  Each time you get dumped if it meant anything to you seriously you cry.  If it was as serious as the girl above you cry for days, weeks even years.  I have been there.

Now I expereince that with every job I get my hopes up for.  Every time I get to a point when I know I have it in my heart because I am the best for the position.  But the I get the “No thanks” call or the “Thanks but no thanks” or no call at all.  I feel rejected and like I am made of shit.  I feel like there is something majorly wrong with me.

I look to the heavens and scream Why?  But I get a response of your not there yet from the world around me.  That is all I can hope for is that I will get ‘there’ soon.

It just sucks to want something so bad and never get an inkling of it.  To want to understand so bad but not get the expereince of it.

Today is a sad day.  It is one of many sad days since I was fired from an internship right after I graduated from college.  People tell you that the job search is ego sucide…well what is it in a job market like this?  Right now it feels like sucide.  It feels like I get no after no after no…

Each no takes me down a step.  I feel like I am back in high school again.  All of the kids in my class made fun of me once puberty hit early.  When you grow up with a class of 33 people you get pretty lonely pretty fast. The only difference is I am not so lonely personally because I have the man of my dreams and friend, on occasion, to help.  I swear that this man and his friends are the only things that keep me sane.

I am tired of being sad.  I am tired of feeling like I haven’t done enough.  I am tired of being tired.  I want to be hired.  I know once someone gets me in an office they will not want me to leave.

I was so close this summer when I worked for a company named Forkfly.  I was told that I was hired as soon as they had the money which from what I could see was pretty damned soon.  I was doing everything right and having a great time.  And then, the men I was working with got fed up with the CEO.  So what happens?  They give him an ultimatum for the betterment of the company.  The CEO says no, I can’t blame him since they wanted him to step down.  But that meant that these guys who ran the office all left.  And all that is left is a sales team and a dreaming CEO.  I didn’t want to be left running an office and not getting paid.  So I left.  I left depressed because I was so damned close.

Well, honestly I didn’t get depressed until afterwards because these guys who left the company were going to start their own and would have wanted me to come along.  However, their idea hasn’t worked as of yet.  Then I felt depressed.

It started out light because I felt revitalized after a year of being out of work.  I felt like I knew what I was doing and I was valuable.  I knew people hired people who had worked recently more often.  I was so excited.  I had reccomendations and friends in Portland, FINALLY!

But now, it feels like it was all a lie.  It has been three months and nothing.  I had a part time job for most of this year but it was the part time from hell.  (AKA remember don’t work at Big Al’s unless you want to work for people who are mean)  So I quite because I had so much hope for finding a job in my field.  However, here I am with no job and no career as of yet.

I scream at the heavens, “Why do you do this to me?”  My mother told me once I finish high school the world would open up to me.  That would be my time.  I guess she just meant college.

It is funny, I finally got the man of my dreams in my life the day after I get fired.  But now I have no career.  I love him.  I want to be with him but I feel like I am worthless without bringing something in.

Now I watch movies and apply for jobs and ask for advice from all of my friends.  I try to have as much hope as possible but getting my hopes up for each and every interview is like having a line of crushes that snub you and call you ugly.  Even the ones that give me advice and praise for certain parts are like the guy that you are in love with but just wants to be friends.  I just want a company to love me damn it!!!!!

I get this feeling, maybe hope maybe premonition that says, “You are so close” in that hopeful voice that makes me want to believe it.  Then I hear another one lately that says “You will have a job before Thanksgiving.”  But how can I believe that when I may not know until after.

Then I think about Serendipity has played a big part of my life.  She will surprise me of course.  I just wish she would stop taking her time.  But I don’t want to make her angry.  She has been good to me.  So thank you Serendipity.  I am waiting for you to show up again in my life to make it wonderful.

I guess I just need to get the sadness out of my system so that I can go on with my hope.  I need a hope recharge after a sad day of FML.

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